I survived this week! As small of an accomplishment that may be in the grand scheme of things, I'm incredibly proud of myself for making it through this week. Exactly two weeks until Spring Break, and once I get back from Spring Break I have no idea when I'll be back home, and I'm not-so-secretly loving the uncertainty of it.
This coming week marks the last of the ridiculous midterm stress that I've been facing lately, and then I'll have a week to more-or-less relax until break. Everything has seemed so dramatic over the last week and a half or so; every decision I made or step I took seemed like it was huge and earth-shattering, but for now I'm leaving that behind and living day by day.
I've been really enjoying the walks I've been taking in the park behind the Davis stop, I've been seeing a lot of super random interesting people and just enjoying the time alone to think. Without that sanity check every couple of days or so, I seriously would have broken down this week. But, I haven't, and here I am. Things aren't getting any easier, but they are kind of getting more realistic. Lent started on Wednesday, and despite my own current religious incertitude right now, I'm finding that this is the perfect time to reflect and pick things up.
In other news, I was under the impression that all of my friends were going out of town this weekend, so after I got out of the lab at about 7, I went out and grabbed some sushi and saw a movie by myself, only to come back and find that everyone was still here, and everyone's leaving tomorrow. Bummer, but oh well. Quiet Friday nights have been the usual lately, but hopefully the rest of this weekend will be good.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
So, this afternoon I had to fall completely flat on my face in order to pick myself back up, and I took an incredibly deep breath of fresh air afterwards. I feel like I'm finally on the road to closure, but more than anything I just want peace of mind and heart. The next six months of my life have the potential to be either the best or the worst, and I'm beginning to realize what I'll have to do to make them the best. And I think I'm ready.
Things have started to seem really weird the past few days. I go to sleep and wake up not really having a full recollection of what I did the previous day; it’s like I’m completely going through the motions and going from place to place, not really taking root or forming memories as I pass. Work has been getting better and school has been enough to occupy my mind, but every day I spill my thoughts to a friend or to my journal, and after that it’s as if I have nothing left. I seek and usually find solace in words and occurrences long past, finding hope in little nuances of days that I’ll never get back. Thankfully, although emotionally I’m a blank slate and physically I’m exhausted, I’ve managed to quiet my mind and regain my trust in the future, instead of constantly thinking that the future is going to turn its back on me if I don’t plan immediately for it right this moment.
However, like all periods of growth in my life, this one has been overshadowed by more than one dark addition to my plate. I’ve recently become really scared for sophomore year, and my emotional state of affairs with everyone here. If you leave, I feel like I’ll have nothing, and I’ll be alone in every possible sense. I’ve been enjoying a lot of my time spent alone lately, but I just get scared when I realize how fragile everything I have right now is. It’s very frustrating in a way, because it seems like I can’t really make any decision without it affecting numerous people around me. Although, I guess that’s just another thing that I’ll have to let go of.
I’m looking forward to being home for a week and seeing how things have and haven’t changed. The two and a half weeks I have between now and spring break are going to be incredibly ridiculous and busy, but I hope that it’ll be worth it when I get to have some rest soon. In the meantime, I’m just making it through each day, finally seeing my first glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel.
However, like all periods of growth in my life, this one has been overshadowed by more than one dark addition to my plate. I’ve recently become really scared for sophomore year, and my emotional state of affairs with everyone here. If you leave, I feel like I’ll have nothing, and I’ll be alone in every possible sense. I’ve been enjoying a lot of my time spent alone lately, but I just get scared when I realize how fragile everything I have right now is. It’s very frustrating in a way, because it seems like I can’t really make any decision without it affecting numerous people around me. Although, I guess that’s just another thing that I’ll have to let go of.
I’m looking forward to being home for a week and seeing how things have and haven’t changed. The two and a half weeks I have between now and spring break are going to be incredibly ridiculous and busy, but I hope that it’ll be worth it when I get to have some rest soon. In the meantime, I’m just making it through each day, finally seeing my first glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Don't Forget about North Dakota just yet...
Because they just became the first state to pass a no-holds-barred ban on abortion. Being a fencerider on the abortion topic, I'm not sure how I feel about this, but since North Dakota has a decent statistical history of teenage pregnancy and sex, I'll be interested to see what happens to these numbers in the future.
So, I'll admit fully, I'm currently feeling mostly better, but I decided to continue malingering and I'm not going to work today. I had a pretty interesting day yesterday; a couple of my classes were cancelled so I had most of the day to myself, I took the chance to go into Harvard to buy new Thursday, which hasn't disappointed me in the least, although I think it might take a little getting used to. It was a really great feeling, waiting in line to buy a new album. It's something I haven't really done since decemberunderground came out almost three years ago.
On my way back, a random homeless man told me I looked down and to keep my head up. Kind of taken by this, I bought him a cup of coffee and had him tell me, completely unsolicited, that everything would be okay, just to imagine the best possible ending to whatever I'm going through and do my best to get myself there. I'm not sure whether the best possible ending is in fact "possible," but thanks for the advice anyway, whoever you are.
In the meantime, I found myself completely disgusted by the news this morning. Apparently the conservative right now thinks that sex, gender, and queer studies aren't legitimate sociological topics, and that having students learn about the sociopolicial implications of new movements in human sexuality and gender is a waste of money. The story was extremely poorly done, because they skewed the fact that these professors perform research in the areas of oral sex and male prostitution to say that they teach instructional courses on these topics, which is obviously not true. It's yet to be seen if this is going to cause very much of a stir; as far as I know, none of the prominent gender theorists have responded to it. But anyways:
On my way back, a random homeless man told me I looked down and to keep my head up. Kind of taken by this, I bought him a cup of coffee and had him tell me, completely unsolicited, that everything would be okay, just to imagine the best possible ending to whatever I'm going through and do my best to get myself there. I'm not sure whether the best possible ending is in fact "possible," but thanks for the advice anyway, whoever you are.
In the meantime, I found myself completely disgusted by the news this morning. Apparently the conservative right now thinks that sex, gender, and queer studies aren't legitimate sociological topics, and that having students learn about the sociopolicial implications of new movements in human sexuality and gender is a waste of money. The story was extremely poorly done, because they skewed the fact that these professors perform research in the areas of oral sex and male prostitution to say that they teach instructional courses on these topics, which is obviously not true. It's yet to be seen if this is going to cause very much of a stir; as far as I know, none of the prominent gender theorists have responded to it. But anyways:
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
A Weekend In The City
So, I thought I'd begin by cataloging my weekend in New York. It started out interestingly enough; I was sick with the flu for the latter half of the week (still sick, mostly), so I was pretty stressed from missing class and work when I went to the airport; I must have looked okay though, because about 5 minutes after I stood in like 3 girls ran up to me and exclaimed how much they love me, that I'm amazing and that they love my work and want my autograph. Kind of in shock, I just told them that I wasn't who they thought I was and that I was sorry, and they embarrassedly ran off. It ends up that my mom's flight got super delayed, so when I got to New York I took a cab by myself to the hotel, which put me in an interesting mood for the night. Anything annual really interests me; things that happen every year allow oneself to apply a marker to one's life and see how things have changed in a certain period of time. During the 40-minute cab ride I remembered every cab ride I've taken from La Guardia to the city every year when I go, from 3 years ago when I had From A Second Story Window playing in my iPod and my mind racing because of problems with my band, to this year, when I was appropriately by myself, looking at the lights and thinking about time.
Around this time, my mom called me again to tell me that her flight might be cancelled. Before I had the chance to think about the implications of being alone in New York City on a Friday night, she called back and let me know that her flight was boarding and that she'd meet me at the hotel in a couple of hours. So, I got some M&M's and relaxed in the room for a few hours, and then we had sushi and I spent most of the night up late reading a subject-specific journal I've been keeping for the last six months or so, still in a weird nostalgic kind of mood.
At any rate, Valentine's Day in New York City was cool, all things considered. You can head on to my facebook if you'd like to see unflattering pictures of me hugging people in panda and Elmo suits. My mom and I saw August: Osage County, which is to date the best play I have ever seen, and I stayed up late again.
The next day I slept in, feeling as sick as ever, and we saw Billy Elliott, which didn't live up to it's hype, and ended up wandering around Chelsea and West Village all evening long, eating at this awesome place called The Spotted Pig which seemed to be full of really important-looking people. I found this great used book store and bought a few things, including a book of Susan Minot's poetry which has been keeping me company the last few nights, it's really really incredible.
As for yesterday, it was in one way or another the worst day I've had in the last 600 or so, but a day that nonetheless I think needed to happen. I'm sorry it needed to happen and it's been replaying in my mind ever since, but mostly I just hope I'm not being overly optimistic about the future. I found out a lot about myself in the brief process, and for now I'm working from there.
I wish I were in the cold with you
in your old dirty house
with your worried eyes and blue
shirt. I wish you knew
the underneath of me,
how I keep track of everything
and try to let everything go.
I wish we'd won that game of Russian roulette
we played that week in the mountains-
or lost,
you would say,
and suffered the happy fate
of other fools who take a risk
and somehow get their way.
- Susan Minot
Around this time, my mom called me again to tell me that her flight might be cancelled. Before I had the chance to think about the implications of being alone in New York City on a Friday night, she called back and let me know that her flight was boarding and that she'd meet me at the hotel in a couple of hours. So, I got some M&M's and relaxed in the room for a few hours, and then we had sushi and I spent most of the night up late reading a subject-specific journal I've been keeping for the last six months or so, still in a weird nostalgic kind of mood.
At any rate, Valentine's Day in New York City was cool, all things considered. You can head on to my facebook if you'd like to see unflattering pictures of me hugging people in panda and Elmo suits. My mom and I saw August: Osage County, which is to date the best play I have ever seen, and I stayed up late again.
The next day I slept in, feeling as sick as ever, and we saw Billy Elliott, which didn't live up to it's hype, and ended up wandering around Chelsea and West Village all evening long, eating at this awesome place called The Spotted Pig which seemed to be full of really important-looking people. I found this great used book store and bought a few things, including a book of Susan Minot's poetry which has been keeping me company the last few nights, it's really really incredible.
As for yesterday, it was in one way or another the worst day I've had in the last 600 or so, but a day that nonetheless I think needed to happen. I'm sorry it needed to happen and it's been replaying in my mind ever since, but mostly I just hope I'm not being overly optimistic about the future. I found out a lot about myself in the brief process, and for now I'm working from there.
I wish I were in the cold with you
in your old dirty house
with your worried eyes and blue
shirt. I wish you knew
the underneath of me,
how I keep track of everything
and try to let everything go.
I wish we'd won that game of Russian roulette
we played that week in the mountains-
or lost,
you would say,
and suffered the happy fate
of other fools who take a risk
and somehow get their way.
- Susan Minot
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