Teach, Evolve, Need

What a strange week this has been. I woke up at 6:30 on Monday as always bracing myself for this week, but overall it hasn't been that bad. Each day has gone by slowly and I've gone to sleep every night wondering what I've done each day, feeling incredibly unfulfilled. Whenever I have time on my hands there's a set list of things that I've planned on doing for the last month, that I always think I'll finally get around to when I have time on my hands. Well, I've had time this week, and once again I haven't checked anything off that list, so I think I've given up. I'm fine with it, personally I'm done writing letters that I'll never send and thinking grandiose things that will never really happen. I've finally gotten closure with a couple of things, so I'm looking forward to my summer in Boston which should be filled with work, fun, and new friends. It's too bad that I look at my freshman year of college this way, but I'm just excited to leave it behind and get going with this summer and with the rest of my life.

I know it's probably seen as immature, but I think instead of dwelling on everything that's plagued me this semester, I'm just going to drop everything, leave the burden behind, and start fresh. Right now, that seems like the only way.

Anyways, today has been probably the most relaxed of the whole lot this week. It's the first day I can remember in an incredibly long time where I had absolutely zero obligations, so I slept in and then got lunch, and watched Quarantine with Adam, which was surprisingly scary. Since then I've just been lounging about, and now I'm listening to the new Chariot album. I've been revisiting a lot of bands that were important to me when I was a little bit younger lately, like As Cities Burn, The Chariot, etc., and it's always such a strange experience to listen to a band and have them seem like they've changed so much, when at the end of the day it's really you that's changed. I feel like AFI is one of the only bands that will feel emotionally relevant to me at any and every point in my life. Last night the lab went bowling (surprisingly, incredibly fun), and afterwards I went out and got Indian food with Jon, Jordana, and Rebecca. We had some excellent conversations and got to know each other on a completely different level, which was kind of depressing considering the fact that I may never see Jordana again in my life. But, I'll be working with Jon and Rebecca again next year, which I'm happy about.

I planned on finding a way to see New Found Glory and Set Your Goals tonight, but it's most likely sold out and the people at the House of Blues box office were being dicks, so I decided to cut my losses there. If I did go I would have gone with Max and Eric and all of them, and yet it's now 8pm and none of them have called me. I wonder if they really count me as a friend, or if I'm just some kid who's good at guitar who's helping them get a band going. I don't know, hopefully I'll be able to hang out with them a lot this summer. Tomorrow I'm seeing Now, Now Every Children though, which I couldn't be more psyched for. I'm really in the mood for a good show.

Now the sun's making it's final descent outside. Another day, over.

Ten Days

Really?

Every night, I've been having these dreams. Every night, you force me to make the choice that I'm so scared I'll eventually have to make. I wake up and instinctually reach for my phone, just like I did for morning after morning before I went to sleep. For a few minutes, every day, it all comes back. And the truth is, I still don't know what to think. At this moment, from where I sit, none of it seems real.

Into the dark is where you're dragging me,
and into your dark is where I never want to be.
I know I'm not alone and I really want to leave.

When writing, Vladmir Nabokov was a complete perfectionist. A pained, anxious wreck, he would read a sentence that he wrote and then spend hours looking out the window or laying on his stomach on a dusty, wooden floor looking for the right word, searching through his brain and through the world around him. Like many writers before and after him, he would sometimes end stories abruptly, because he simply knew them to be done. His art had taken its course and he was wise enough to know that his involvement with it was done with, it was time for him to pass it on to others, back to the people and things that had inspired it. Circle of life.

Unlike many others, Nabokov saw art for what it really was. A reflection of what and who we are, the most selfish and plain and perfect form of consumption, introspection, and understanding. I hate what art has become. It's been infiltrated by self-serving minds that have torn down the very core of what made art pure and beautiful. Like most other human-made things that have been ruined, it needs its honesty back.

Stop

I think it's time that I should leave.

Paradox

Some of the most beautiful, intelligent, and wonderful people I've met in my life have also been the people I've known who have hated themselves, hated life, and been more depressed than other people I've known. I wish I could show people what I see in them, but I rarely find the ability or the opportunity to do this.

Contact

So, I'm writing this pretty randomly...I'm currently sitting in Adam's mother's living room in Boxford, Mass, hanging out with his dogs and his adorable bunny, whom I have not as yet been able to befriend. It seems kind of skiddish and just kind of noms on its cage and pushes its toys around with its big ol' bunny face. Last night, after not sleeping for ~36 hours, I went to sleep at like 9:30 and slept for about 14 hours, and then I woke up feeling a bit groggy and went to Chinatown with Elliott, Kristen, Claire, Tomas, and Samantha (the main reason I listed that out was to see if I could remember all of their names...ha) so that we could get some data and research for our final project. It was pretty fun, we mostly just hung out at the Asian Community Development Center and ate Chinese food, always a good time. In the afternoon I went to Church with my Aunt and Uncle, which was pleasant, and then returned and polished off my Easter candy while demoing out some of the songs I've written lately. I've been exceedingly prolific in the past couple of weeks, which is exciting because the happiest times in my life have been while I'm playing music or making music. Not that I'm not happy now, I'm actually awfully complacent right now, but it's nonetheless nice to feel good about where things are going.

Rut

I'm in a really weird funk right now, for some reason I just can't seem to have a normal day. It's always something.

Anyways, two things that brightened my day:



+ Gay marriage legalized in Vermont

Great news to wake up to

Iowa is now the next state that will be allowing equal marriage rights for for those of you who don't plan on sticking to the boring old "one man one woman" deal. Exciting! Effective in three weeks.

Also, despite my advocacy for equal marriage rights, I've recently come across a new movement (championed by mentor/boss/friend Jon Freeman) that eases the focus of the LGBT community on marriage. It's really interesting and deserves some attention: Beyond Marriage

Happy Friday!

Joanna Newsom

So, just a brief post to let you know that the lovely Joanna Newsom has finally emerged from a quiet year of not doing too much, debuting a few new songs this weekend, performing as "The Beatles's". If this is a sign that we'll be getting a new album out of her this year, then 2009 may just be my perfect year for music. Her 2006 album, Ys was easily my favorite record of 2006 (in close competition with tvotr's Return to Cookie Mountain), and I'll be expecting nothing less from her new material.

In depth descriptions via the awesome Naturalismo.

PS, I have absolutely no intention of making this a music blog, but it's also worthy to note that this week has already been a HUGE news week for music, so I'll probably update with a big post later about other things I'm buzzing with excitement about.