Glad to see you've gotten the desired effects

I survived this week! As small of an accomplishment that may be in the grand scheme of things, I'm incredibly proud of myself for making it through this week. Exactly two weeks until Spring Break, and once I get back from Spring Break I have no idea when I'll be back home, and I'm not-so-secretly loving the uncertainty of it.
This coming week marks the last of the ridiculous midterm stress that I've been facing lately, and then I'll have a week to more-or-less relax until break. Everything has seemed so dramatic over the last week and a half or so; every decision I made or step I took seemed like it was huge and earth-shattering, but for now I'm leaving that behind and living day by day.
I've been really enjoying the walks I've been taking in the park behind the Davis stop, I've been seeing a lot of super random interesting people and just enjoying the time alone to think. Without that sanity check every couple of days or so, I seriously would have broken down this week. But, I haven't, and here I am. Things aren't getting any easier, but they are kind of getting more realistic. Lent started on Wednesday, and despite my own current religious incertitude right now, I'm finding that this is the perfect time to reflect and pick things up.

In other news, I was under the impression that all of my friends were going out of town this weekend, so after I got out of the lab at about 7, I went out and grabbed some sushi and saw a movie by myself, only to come back and find that everyone was still here, and everyone's leaving tomorrow. Bummer, but oh well. Quiet Friday nights have been the usual lately, but hopefully the rest of this weekend will be good.

True and sincere acts of kindness will never cease to be able to make my day.

So, this afternoon I had to fall completely flat on my face in order to pick myself back up, and I took an incredibly deep breath of fresh air afterwards. I feel like I'm finally on the road to closure, but more than anything I just want peace of mind and heart. The next six months of my life have the potential to be either the best or the worst, and I'm beginning to realize what I'll have to do to make them the best. And I think I'm ready.

Things have started to seem really weird the past few days. I go to sleep and wake up not really having a full recollection of what I did the previous day; it’s like I’m completely going through the motions and going from place to place, not really taking root or forming memories as I pass. Work has been getting better and school has been enough to occupy my mind, but every day I spill my thoughts to a friend or to my journal, and after that it’s as if I have nothing left. I seek and usually find solace in words and occurrences long past, finding hope in little nuances of days that I’ll never get back. Thankfully, although emotionally I’m a blank slate and physically I’m exhausted, I’ve managed to quiet my mind and regain my trust in the future, instead of constantly thinking that the future is going to turn its back on me if I don’t plan immediately for it right this moment.

However, like all periods of growth in my life, this one has been overshadowed by more than one dark addition to my plate. I’ve recently become really scared for sophomore year, and my emotional state of affairs with everyone here. If you leave, I feel like I’ll have nothing, and I’ll be alone in every possible sense. I’ve been enjoying a lot of my time spent alone lately, but I just get scared when I realize how fragile everything I have right now is. It’s very frustrating in a way, because it seems like I can’t really make any decision without it affecting numerous people around me. Although, I guess that’s just another thing that I’ll have to let go of.

I’m looking forward to being home for a week and seeing how things have and haven’t changed. The two and a half weeks I have between now and spring break are going to be incredibly ridiculous and busy, but I hope that it’ll be worth it when I get to have some rest soon. In the meantime, I’m just making it through each day, finally seeing my first glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel.

Don't Forget about North Dakota just yet...

Because they just became the first state to pass a no-holds-barred ban on abortion. Being a fencerider on the abortion topic, I'm not sure how I feel about this, but since North Dakota has a decent statistical history of teenage pregnancy and sex, I'll be interested to see what happens to these numbers in the future.

So, I'll admit fully, I'm currently feeling mostly better, but I decided to continue malingering and I'm not going to work today. I had a pretty interesting day yesterday; a couple of my classes were cancelled so I had most of the day to myself, I took the chance to go into Harvard to buy new Thursday, which hasn't disappointed me in the least, although I think it might take a little getting used to. It was a really great feeling, waiting in line to buy a new album. It's something I haven't really done since decemberunderground came out almost three years ago.
On my way back, a random homeless man told me I looked down and to keep my head up. Kind of taken by this, I bought him a cup of coffee and had him tell me, completely unsolicited, that everything would be okay, just to imagine the best possible ending to whatever I'm going through and do my best to get myself there. I'm not sure whether the best possible ending is in fact "possible," but thanks for the advice anyway, whoever you are.

In the meantime, I found myself completely disgusted by the news this morning. Apparently the conservative right now thinks that sex, gender, and queer studies aren't legitimate sociological topics, and that having students learn about the sociopolicial implications of new movements in human sexuality and gender is a waste of money. The story was extremely poorly done, because they skewed the fact that these professors perform research in the areas of oral sex and male prostitution to say that they teach instructional courses on these topics, which is obviously not true. It's yet to be seen if this is going to cause very much of a stir; as far as I know, none of the prominent gender theorists have responded to it. But anyways:

A Weekend In The City

So, I thought I'd begin by cataloging my weekend in New York. It started out interestingly enough; I was sick with the flu for the latter half of the week (still sick, mostly), so I was pretty stressed from missing class and work when I went to the airport; I must have looked okay though, because about 5 minutes after I stood in like 3 girls ran up to me and exclaimed how much they love me, that I'm amazing and that they love my work and want my autograph. Kind of in shock, I just told them that I wasn't who they thought I was and that I was sorry, and they embarrassedly ran off. It ends up that my mom's flight got super delayed, so when I got to New York I took a cab by myself to the hotel, which put me in an interesting mood for the night. Anything annual really interests me; things that happen every year allow oneself to apply a marker to one's life and see how things have changed in a certain period of time. During the 40-minute cab ride I remembered every cab ride I've taken from La Guardia to the city every year when I go, from 3 years ago when I had From A Second Story Window playing in my iPod and my mind racing because of problems with my band, to this year, when I was appropriately by myself, looking at the lights and thinking about time.
Around this time, my mom called me again to tell me that her flight might be cancelled. Before I had the chance to think about the implications of being alone in New York City on a Friday night, she called back and let me know that her flight was boarding and that she'd meet me at the hotel in a couple of hours. So, I got some M&M's and relaxed in the room for a few hours, and then we had sushi and I spent most of the night up late reading a subject-specific journal I've been keeping for the last six months or so, still in a weird nostalgic kind of mood.
At any rate, Valentine's Day in New York City was cool, all things considered. You can head on to my facebook if you'd like to see unflattering pictures of me hugging people in panda and Elmo suits. My mom and I saw August: Osage County, which is to date the best play I have ever seen, and I stayed up late again.
The next day I slept in, feeling as sick as ever, and we saw Billy Elliott, which didn't live up to it's hype, and ended up wandering around Chelsea and West Village all evening long, eating at this awesome place called The Spotted Pig which seemed to be full of really important-looking people. I found this great used book store and bought a few things, including a book of Susan Minot's poetry which has been keeping me company the last few nights, it's really really incredible.
As for yesterday, it was in one way or another the worst day I've had in the last 600 or so, but a day that nonetheless I think needed to happen. I'm sorry it needed to happen and it's been replaying in my mind ever since, but mostly I just hope I'm not being overly optimistic about the future. I found out a lot about myself in the brief process, and for now I'm working from there.


I wish I were in the cold with you
in your old dirty house
with your worried eyes and blue
shirt. I wish you knew
the underneath of me,
how I keep track of everything
and try to let everything go.
I wish we'd won that game of Russian roulette
we played that week in the mountains-
or lost,
you would say,
and suffered the happy fate
of other fools who take a risk
and somehow get their way.
- Susan Minot

So, my prophecies were correct: I've been spending most of the day so far drowning in multiple hoodies and blankets and eating oranges and watching Fight Club.
The whole sitting in my room/being completely sedentary thing has set my mind surprisingly at ease, and I'm for once able to look forward to New York and to next week, which should doubtlessly be less stressful than this one.
In the meantime, I came across a great new band, Spiritual Mansions, who are releasing their album "Touched" on Minneapolis label Afternoon Records, the fellow home of my recent obsessions Now, Now Every Children.
I first came across them on a sampler, and I just kind of got the My Morning Jacket vibe and shrugged them off, but upon more listens I've come to really like them, and I'm sure they'll be keeping me company all afternoon. If you want to learn about more music like this, you should check out this pretty awesome blog, Minneapolis Fucking Rocks, which basically documents all of the awesome stuff going on in Minneapolis, which is quickly forming an incredible independent music scene.

Length Away

Sooooo, it's Thursday, I'm so sick I'm seeing double and getting the shivers, and I have a lot of work to do. Gah! I'm probably going to watch a movie and eat leftover cake and feel sorry for myself for awhile, and then spend the evening doing work.
This week has really tested my limits, on so many levels. Until last night, I had gotten about 11 hours of sleep since Saturday, which was a huge screw thrown into my well-oiled machine of six-ish hours of sleep every night for the past month. I've been all panicky and fidgety, freaking out about one thing or another. For now, I'm just bracing myself for the coming couple of days, looking forward to catching up on work, hopefully having a good Saturday and Sunday in New York, and having everything be as close to normal as soon as possible.

Useless

Today was the worst Sunday I've had in awhile. I woke up late with a horrible headache and felt sick for the entire day, mostly incapable of eating. I wasted the vast majority of my day; my head hurt too badly for me to concentrate on reading so I picked at leftovers and watched The House Bunny, which despite having a startingly good soundtrack was a pure waste of two hours of my life, except for a few choice parts that had me laughing obnoxiously loud.
Halfway through the day, my mind had other things to worry about and I ended up getting absolutely nothing done. About an hour ago I realized I had effectively fasted all day today, so I ordered some pasta from Lily's and got completely ripped off, and now I'm sitting in my room, realizing that in seven hours I have to wake up to go to work, and I might as well not lived today.
I'm feeling more apathetic, spiteful, and overall hopeless than I have in awhile. I'm astounded by the immaturity of people I thought I respected. I feel, in very many ways, like I'm repeating parts of middle school again. I just want everything to be normal and amazing again, in every way.

Lazy Saturday

I love the carelessness of Saturday afternoons. You're still riding the high of the week's end, thinking about your Friday night, not yet reclaimed by the irreverent demon of stress and responsibility.
Although this feeling won't last too long for me, I'm enjoying this morning. Last night was fairly intense, I sat down in the library after lunch and wrote a new article I'm working on from 3PM to midnight, then went back to my room and edited and ate junk food to my content, finally slipping away into sleep at around 3. Regardless of the fact that I felt really lonely and kind of like a loser during the entirety of this endeavor, I felt really accomplished and awesome, and I've spent the morning fantasizing about writing more awesome papers and becoming really important.
As for now, the feeling has slipped away and I have to answer to the pile of reading I have for this weekend.
For the time being though, I think I'll have nothing to do with it, and instead leave you with this interesting tidbit (well, ten page tidbit I guess).
UChicago evolutionary biologist Jerry Coyne is creating quite a stir as usual, attracting the attention of some notable names, particularly Steven Pinker and Daniel Dennett. His article discusses some of the main arguments of theists (mostly theist scientists) for the eternal reconciliation of religion and science. The reviews and responses are pretty amusing.
This is an issue that has troubled me for most of my life, and I agree with Coyne: attempts to reconcile science and religion are mostly a waste of time. There are two reasons for this, both based in the plural nature of human life: no two people have consistent definitions and ideas of God, creation, and/or evolution, and additionally simply because people are just plain stubborn about this topic. One issue that I think is resolvable is the tendency of both communities (scientific and religious) to posit that "evolution" in and of itself and creationism are opposites, that it's one or the other. Evolution is not a theory by which moral reasoning can be justified; rather, it is completely disconnected from any questions of moral and ethical consideration. Creationism, can however, from its basest implications be used as a tool with which to deal with issues of morality if you choose. As Pinker put it, the most important consideration for both communities to use and realize is not mutually exclusive is reason and the responsible use thereof.

I don't know. HERE's the article. I had my turn to rant, let me know what you think.

Now, it's time for homework. In other news, Adam's 19th birthday is coming up, and tonight we're having a few people over, our first attempt at any kind of get-together in our room, so I'll be looking forward to see how this goes.

Today was an unusually busy day, and had its fair share of awkward moments. I slept in until 8 and somehow managed to get on the Joey and get to Newton fast enough to only be 15 minutes late for work. I expected this to be a big deal, but alas, I overestimate my own importance, for nobody noticed at all.
Today at my super-important internship, I stacked some boxes and then finished my reading for two classes. I really wish I was doing more exciting things during the day there; I'd probably be more impelled to enthusiastically jump out of bed on time and rush off to Boston.
Anyways, after drinking 4-5 cups of coffee during the workday, I realized the moment that I stepped on the T that I had to pee worse than I ever have in my life. This situation was worsened by my need to get home fast enough to make it to Computer Science on time, and thus I had to suffer silently for nearly two hours of waiting, riding various forms of public transportation, walking and standing. I'd liken it to having to cheerfully stand around while particularly sadistic animals gnawed at your ankles. It was ridiculous. I finally got to Davis Square only to find that the bathroom at the subway station had blood on the door and caution tape barring my entrance, which was a great new development. So, I rushed into Mr. Crepe and desperately asked the guy behind the counter to give me the key to the guy's bathroom; he did, and I immediately fell in love with him. After breathing the biggest sigh of relief of my life, I bought a vitamin water because I felt bad for just coming in to use the bathroom.
Following this adventure, I had to sit through 3 hours of Computer Science followed by Philosophy. I really tend to dislike everyone in my philosophy class, they all strike me as really quirky pre-law people with thoroughly aggrandized views of their own intelligence/importance. The only exceptions to this real are Bright Eyed Boy With Fro, who seems extremely excited 100% of the time, and Mysterious Spanish Girl, who always asks really cool questions.

At any rate, now that I'm done making my day seem more interesting than it really was, I'm going to do homework until I start hallucinating from lack of sleep.

Feeling envy for the kid who'll dance despite anything

So it seems about the right time for me to make another post. I've been writing in my personal journal a lot more lately, which I've found to be really helpful and almost cathartic. The last few weeks haven't been the easiest in my life, but I feel like in the process of going through so much emotional distress I've done a lot of rapid growing up. At the end of the day I'm still an ultra-awkward procrastinating college student, but I've been adding a lot of responsibilities to my plate and dealing with everything in stride, and I'm quite proud of myself. I've been making immediate plans for the future, but I feel like they're a lot more mature, less overly idealistic. I feel like the next year of my life has the potential to be liberating and refreshing, a new chapter. I'm just quite excited about everything.
This Friday there was an opportunity to go out to dinner with Dr. Lewis and various Boston-residing Cape Henry alums, but there's a Chemistry review session during that time period so I decided not to go. Normally in a situation like this I just wouldn't go to the review session, but I have to admit that I was hesitant and wary of going out to dinner with all of these people, feeling like it would be awkward seeing them, that they'd be judging my every move or something. Like so many of the things I overanalyze, it was really pretty stupid of me to think. At any rate, I'm going to the Chemistry review session, ha.

In other news, it didn't take long for a clever soul to make a viral YouTube video out of Christian Bale's "fuck"-filled tirade. I'm impressed.