So, I've been checking analytics, and it seems like nobody reads this at all anymore, so I think it somewhat appropriate for me to just write random things to myself in here. I'm really bad at keeping a traditional journal even though I'd really like to, so maybe here I can make some attempt at honest introspection.

All The Highways

"My ex-girlfriend showed me your band awhile ago, and I have vague memories of a thinner me on summer drives with windblown hair listening to your songs on a CD-R. Today, for some reason, your song popped back into my head, and it didn't take me long to search you out on the internet. I realized that it was really just one song, and listening to it again made me feel something like comfort and something not quite like happiness. I have no clue why any of this happened, but thank you anyways, for whatever I'm thanking you for".

Crash

I died for the last lie, and the heartbreak for the first time, I could not take til I made you cry.

This is what you taught me. This is what you taught - and I learned well - to recognize that feeling easily can be dispelled.

Show your wounds I'm bored with mine. Nothing is new.


Home in just a few days. This final week has really taken it out of me. When I haven't been studying, I've been obsessing as usual over the familiar mysteries:

www.afireinside.net

I saw the film Moon tonight with Sarah between bouts of studying and essay-writing, and I have to say I really enjoyed it. It was strange, funny, moving, thought-provoking, and at times disturbing. Sam Rockwell's performance was a pleasure to watch, and he did amazing things with a script that was at times conventional and suffered from a lack of restraint. All in all, awesome movie. I missed Worcester fest today to study, but luckily it's not a decision I'm regretting, as I got a lot done today. Before seeing Moon, Sarah and I went to a new Thai place I've been meaning to try, and it was pretty awesome. The restaurant was filled with blackboards that taught you how to say a million different versions of "I am happy" in Thai. So wonderful. I got the basil fried rice (as usual) with shrimp (not as usual) and was surprised and sort of interested to find that onion was the center of attention in the fried rice, even more than the shrimp. It was a really interesting take and I loved it. Mmmmm. Day of productive work, good food, nightcapped with a good movie = wins.

I added some new blogs to the "others" section that are worth checking out. Most of these are blogs about independent cinema and movies in general (House of Mirth and Movies, Twitch, Surface Noice, Worldweird Cinema), all of which are pleasures to look at and read, and all of which will make you feel that feeling of excitement and sadness that there are tons of interesting, fun, and worthwhile movies out there that you haven't seen, and probably won't have the time to finish watching. I've also added the aptly titled "A Blog About Beer," which speaks for itself. It's hilarious to read (thought not so much as Bacon Today) and should help you transition out of college life, where beers other than, ahem, Natty Ice, exist.

I'm going to Maine tomorrow. I decided that no matter what happens, as long as I consume lobster at some point tomorrow, my trip will be a success.

The Hurt Locker, Throw Me The Statue

So, my main occupation in life right now is wishing that I was at Comic Con. Life is pretty exciting though, after a bout of insane sickness last week, I've turned things around and I'm looking forward to pushing through these last couple of weeks of summer school and going home. This weekend I'm going to Worcester Fest on Saturday to see some bands I've been wanting to see for a long time (Energy, Set Your Goals, Vanna, Transit) and then Sunday I'm going on a day trip to Maine with my Aunt and Uncle. So I'm quite excited.

Last night I saw The Hurt Locker with my Philosophy and Film class. It was intense, suspenseful, smart and exhausting. Really really good film. I recommend it. The lead character is the guy from S.W.A.T. who had a brief part in 28 Weeks Later. I don't remember his name but I'm pretty sure that if Keifer Sutherland and Daniel Craig had a man-child, it would be him. Jeremy Renner, that's it. His name, that is.

-------------------------------------------------

PS, the wonderful folks over at Secretly Canadian records recently posted a track listing and artwork for the new Throw Me The Statue record, which is coming out on August 4th. This is such a fun wonderful band, introduced to me by special people and to be enjoyed with special people. It's great summertime music as well.

via Secretly Canadian:


Perhaps more sonically upbeat than its predecessor, Creaturesque's details are at times painted in both optimistic and sobering tones. Reitherman's scattershot poetics touch on an array of ideas; it's oppressive American machisimo and Suburbanite sexuality. It's soft drugs and convertible cars. It's the struggle for higher expectations within the mess of modern life, and when wrapped up in the structures of TMTS' sure-handed tunes it's an all too delicious combination.

Social Security Code from God

I came across this video this morning, which is a clip from Steven Pinker's second visit to the set of the Colbert Report. Shockingly, Colbert lets him talk for most of it, and there's not quite as much silliness as usual, and in the process Pinker shares some incredibly useful and interesting points about genetics that should be made known, mostly pertaining to his sequencing of his own genome and subsequent online sharing of his results. The main points I'm referring to are:

A) Genes are not deterministic - Pinker references the fact that he has the gene for early balding, and he's probably one of the least bald human beings in existence.

B) Genetic knowledge, although exciting, is not remarkably advanced at the moment. As Pinker puts it, with the current genetic knowledge, "you can get much more information about a person's health by measuring their health directly than by looking at their genome".

A lot of these points were included in my paper on genomics, published earlier this year.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Steven Pinker
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Jeff Goldblum

Why Wired is losing its credibility

Popular science magazine/website Wired very recently published an article that updates the public on the recent technological advance that has enabled the use of event-related potentials (ERP, a common experimental technique in cognitive science) to allow people to steer wheelchairs, operate simple machinery, and even post tweets to twitter. Essentially, the technology is an internalized (literally) version of something like eye-tracking, allowing users to choose directions or choices from a list. That's rather aside the point, though...

Wired is now claiming that computer hackers can actually "take over your brain" because this technology allows a direct link to the brain.


The way this technology works does not allow a program direct access to the brain; rather, it allows a program direct access to brain readings that subsequently allow a unique user to operate the program using only their thoughts. Saying that this allows for literal hacking into one's brain is like saying that if you edit a photocopy of a paper, you actually edit the original paper! It's absolutely incorrect, and absurd.

Wired is no stranger to sensationalism and taking things out of context (see this article earlier this year where they made out a simple update in slander and speech laws to sound like you could get thrown in prison for using any abusive speech at all). However, this hits rather close to him because of my own experience with similar technology, and I just find it ridiculous. My work and research so far has focused intensely on the fact that the media in general needs to change the way that it talks about science - a change at this level will exact a far-reaching change in scientific literacy for the lay-public and for humanity in general.

See these first few comments on the article:

"OO oo its going to be like Ghost in the Shell! Pleezzz don’t hack my brain and upload the program that makes me like Fox News…"

"NUTELLA! PICK THE NUTELLA YOU FOOL!"

These readers are obviously being sarcastic, but the way that they perceived the article is clear: obviously, computer hackers now will have the ability to control your thoughts. Since neuroscience has entered the realm of popular science in full force in the last few years, it's important that people are educated on how things like this actually work, in order for us to avoid sensationalism tarnishing some of the most important new advances in science.

Breaking Point

I was lying when I said I was looking north, I was too scared to show what I am. Bear with me this is all I have left, and this might be more than a simple conversation. It's been dancing around in my head for quite some time, just the thought of cleaning up myself...

I stare at the wall
Watching my time float away
It's all been a blur
And nothing will change
I was lying
This is defeat

Bacon

Like anyone with a little extra cash kicking around after their birthday, I decided that I'd splurge on something that normally I wouldn't think about buying, namely, an 8-dollar chocolate bar.



The Vosges Bacon Chocolate bar is the Cadillac of all Bacon-candy infusing endeavors. It's nearly perfect. I've been lusting over this particular piece of 66% cacao 100% delicious goodness since the first time I came across it on the internet 6 or so months ago. Having smelled someone cooking bacon for breakfast this morning, and just being in general good spirits, I thought myself in the perfect mood to treat myself to some bacony chocolate goodness, perhaps to have it delivered to my home while I'm there this weekend, or perhaps to have it waiting on my doorstep when I return to Boston on Sunday. After I placed my order though, I was greeted with this page:


Unfortunately, despite my reverence to bacon, I wasn't willing to pay this sum. That was a bad start to what turned into a sort of bad day, but that's a different story. More importantly, my day yesterday was quite awesome. I had class and work, but then Sarah and I went to Harvard and ate at Bertucci's and bought cupcakes, and as a nice nightcap I did a bunch of homework. Nice! I also found out that I don't have computer science on Thursday, so I'll be going home a day early, which I'm quite excited for.

Stealing Glances

Whenever I have someone that I'm truly friends with, who I share experiences with and who I come to associate a period of my life with, I remember them always. Once in awhile I wonder if they think about me with the same frequency and with the same sense of meaning and longing that I do them.

Mostly though, I hope that you remember Pooh bear and being unproductive best friends. I still remember the way you honked at people for no reason in your car and how I felt that I really understood the way you saw other people and how deeply you cared about them. I've always been the type of person to think back to the past often, but if I could only have one second chance in my entire life, it would be with you. It doesn't make sense, but I think about you and miss you often.

_____________________________________

By the way, I had a wonderful birthday today with my family. I received a panda tie, new headphones, some books and a USB keyboard, among other things. I'm slightly (not to slightly) ashamed to say I got most excited about the panda tie.

Back

Hi. Hey! How are you? I've been without a computer for a few days, and have been passing my time doing other things (reading, tending to the massive amount of summer homework I have) and have been overall enjoying myself. I really like the apartment I'm living in - despite my modern furnishings I can very well see each room of the house playing a role in some sort of film about college students in the 40's. Lots of aged wood, white walls, and old-fashioned furnaces. It's pretty snazzy.

Of course, now that I have my computer back, everyone following me on twitter has a chance for me to significantly annoy them again, so hooray for that. I know this probably seems scatterbrained, but there's just so much on my mind lately. Everything going on right now definitely has the makings of a very positive, productive summer, and I'm quite excited about it.

******************************************


In music news, ex-Be Your Own Pet vocalist/awesome human being Jemina Pearl's solo project has finally released some material on her myspace, and you can read all about the crazy, drunken, fun-filled recording process at her blog. Her voice is a little bit less gritty and a lot more melodic in these recordings, although one downside of that is that she's lacking the throaty, Kim Gordon-esque wail that made her stand out so much in Be Your Own Pet. The songs are great though, a little bit of garage rock, a little bit of surf punk, AKA they're fun and you should listen to them.

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And on a final, parting note:



You don't have to know me very well to know how excited I am for this movie. Judge it as you will.

Minus The Bear to Self-Release 4th full-length

Personally, I'll be just as excited about the album no matter how its released, especially considering the awesome video jam (see below) they posted on their myspace earlier this year. This is nonetheless pretty interesting, considering the fact that self-financing and self-releasing seems to be a growing trend in bands like Minus The Bear, who are sort of bridging the gap between the underground and mainstream music scenes.

via Minneapolis Fucking Rocks: Seattle-based quintet Minus the Bear are currently hard at work on their highly anticipated fourth studio album, still untitled. Excited to expand on their inimitable brand of rock n roll songwriting and explore their existing love of audio ingenuity, the band teamed up with Grammy Award winning producer Joe Chicarelli (My Morning Jacket, The White Stripes) to lend a helping hand. Loved for their brilliant countermelodies and progressive arrangements by legions of fans, the band plans on taking their endless creativity and craft, which has been praised by the likes of Spin, Alternative Press, Paste and others, to new heights on this new album.

Minus the Bear will take the opportunity to self finance their new album, giving them full control in an evolving industry.



Speaking of great music, new Grizzly Bear comes out tomorrow, as well as new Phoenix. And we've only a few weeks until new Rancid, Sonic Youth, and Dirty Projectors. 2009 is quickly becoming the best year for music in recent memory, and I couldn't be more excited.

Just to anyone who may not know, the new mewithoutYou is streaming for free HERE. I like it a lot.

Last night Sarah and I saw Terminator Salvation. It was intense, I loved it. Also, the Sherlock Holmes trailer still has me all giddy and excited.

Busy, busy, busy. Things are crazy, but I feel overwhelmingly optimistic about this summer.

Moving Really Sucks

Family Tree

So, the last few days since I've gotten back have been quite interesting. My last night at Tufts was pretty insane; I'm pretty sure that every single person that was still at Tufts packed their delirious and excited bodies inside of both towers of Sophia Gordon, where a great amount of fun was had. I'm not sure if I've ever seen so many people packed into that small of a space. The next day, around afternoon I came home, where I was met by my parents, who had Chikfila with them. Mmm, lovely. I got a haircut that day (pictures later possibly, I've spent every night since then cutting more off in certain places) and I spent most of my first 2 days just hanging out with my parents and my dogs, catching up on sleep and reading. It was really really great, and much needed.

Then I went back to Boston for a day, where I had my fMRI training class at the Northwest science building at Harvard and then spent the day at the lab I'll be working at this summer at Harvard. I can't really describe how that was, it just got me so insanely excited for this summer and also the work I'll be doing in the years to come. It's always great to continually get that sense of validation, that I'm doing what I'm meant to do.

The day after I came back to Virginia I spent the day with Zach, which was great as always. We went shopping and I enjoyed Hot Topic's surprisingly good and well-priced selection of vinyl; I ended up getting a Hopesfall 10" and Minor Threat's Out of Step, and we spent the rest of the afternoon listening to Hopesfall, playing guitar and looking through old yearbooks. Then we ended up seeing Observe and Report, which was surprisingly funny, albeit a little bit disturbing and a tad depressing. The day after was a little bit more relaxed, although I hung out with Christina for awhile and eventually hung out with Carter and Lauren also, and I had a really good time. I cooked dinner for me and m'parents that night, and then went to the Jubilee with Zach and his nice friend Melody. I got home in time to see the last 10 minutes of the season finale of Greys Anatomy, which had me all teary eyed and emotionally wrecked. I decided to prolong the sentiment by girling out and watching both Love, Actually and the Jane Austen Book Club. Poor me. My movie choice for tonight is The Uninvited, to try to balance it out.

Today I ran errands with my mom all day, finally catching up with Zach this evening to go to Maddy's senior project show, a Cystic Fibrosis benefit show at Cape Henry. It definitely didn't live up to "No Indigo Dunes" standards, but it was great fun. I ripped my shirt from sheer ferociousness while moshing to XPBJX, and got to see some wonderful people. It put me in a weird mood being at school after nearly a year, but all is well. Then I went out and got pizza with Zach and Nick and Jake and Steven and girl-Carter, which was awesome. Zach and I annihilated some bacon pizza, and both of us complained of feeling quite ill on the ride home. Eli called him while we were driving around, and we planned on going to hang out with her, but I guess it didn't work out. So, now I'm laying in bed listening to TV on the Radio and nursing a very full stomach. Off to watch the Uninvited and go to bed. By my logic, I figure even if it's horribly frightening (or just a horribly bad movie) I'll still have nice dreams about Emily Browning. Mmm:

Singing to the ambulance

I'm sorry dear, I haven't been sleeping because when I have I woke up and thought it was winter.

I'm sorry love for leaving you out, my head is an empty house when you're not around.

I'm sorry dear I haven't felt much like company, but if september won't bring you to me then i don't care.

I'm sorry dear for ignoring the phone, I've got clumsy feet and clumsy toes to keep me from home.

Surprise amazing record of the year

(so far)

PS, in the process of freaking out about this album I learned that Chad Gilbert is dating Hayley Williams. What a buncha cuties. I thought he was married to that girl from Eisley, but I guess they divorced after like one year. So it goes.


PPS, a lot of people have already left school, and it's such a weird feeling. I've had the "nice getting to know you this year, have a good summer" conversation way too many times today and it's actually kind of getting to me. Not to mention the fact that Adam may be taking a year off next year, which is kind of a scary thought to me. Blah.

We were younger then,

but I can still read the words across your chest.

Last night was pretty awesome. After a day of working in the lab and attempting to start my final philosophy paper, I took the T down to Central to see Now, Now Every Children. Their first full-length was one of numerous records that carried me through the last few insane months, and I was beyond excited to finally see them. I got there at about 8:20 and was literally the only person there besides the bands, so I decided to walk around Cambridge and found a cool used record store. They had a surprisingly good, well-priced selection, and I was considering buying two first-pressing Orchid 12-inches, but decided against it at the last minute, which was a wise choice, because otherwise I wouldn't have had money for a cab later. I ended up just sitting outside for awhile, and met two guys from Revere that were really cool. One of them had the Nephilim tattooed on his forearm, so I commented on it and we had a good chat about AFI. It's really cool how music can always give rise to sudden bonds like that. They have a band that I've yet to check out, but I might try to catch their show tomorrow if I like it. Anyways, the first few bands were okay, one of them was a local band that was fairly amazing, they kind of reminded me of Polar Bear Club and Minus the Bear, but unfortunately I've forgotten their name. Too bad.

Anyways, Now Now finally went on at about midnight, and it was incredible. All of the band members are such nice, genuine people, and I think I was one of few people there that actually knew them and sang along and whatnot, and I could tell that they appreciated it, because I think most people went to the show just because they were friends with the promoter. It's been awhile since I've been to a show that I was really looking forward to, and it was amazing just to turn off my brain for half an hour and sing along. It was tons of fun. I miss them already, I've been listening to them nonstop all day and I can't wait to see them again. I think they're playing Bamboozle, which would have been amazing to go to, but alas. School, finals, blah.

After the show I took a cab to College Ave to stop by Max's 21st birthday party, which was dwindling by the time I got there, but was still pretty fun for the time being. It was nice to hang out with people and enjoy one of the first summer nights in good company. After that I went back to Miller and sat outside with Jane for awhile, and then went in and hung out with Adam and Sarah. We attempted to watch Resident Evil, but I quickly fell asleep (around 4am at this point, I think). And today I've just been sitting around, listening to music and working on my paper. Oh, how I love relaxed days like this. The last couple of weeks have been much less stressful than I expected them to be, which has been a welcome change of plans, because I've really gotten to clear my head and get in the right mindset for this summer, which should be full of hard work, but also full of fun. I really couldn't be more excited for it.

As for tonight, I think I might go see a movie or something. Any recommendations? Or maybe I might go read outside, it's such a nice day. As you can probably tell, I'm pretty scatterbrained right now. I just haven't been in a good mood like this for a very long time, and it feels good to finally be getting back on track.

EDIT: I found that band I was talking about. They're called "You Can Be a Wesley," and they're awesome. Listen to "Creatures". http://www.myspace.com/youcanbeawesley

Teach, Evolve, Need

What a strange week this has been. I woke up at 6:30 on Monday as always bracing myself for this week, but overall it hasn't been that bad. Each day has gone by slowly and I've gone to sleep every night wondering what I've done each day, feeling incredibly unfulfilled. Whenever I have time on my hands there's a set list of things that I've planned on doing for the last month, that I always think I'll finally get around to when I have time on my hands. Well, I've had time this week, and once again I haven't checked anything off that list, so I think I've given up. I'm fine with it, personally I'm done writing letters that I'll never send and thinking grandiose things that will never really happen. I've finally gotten closure with a couple of things, so I'm looking forward to my summer in Boston which should be filled with work, fun, and new friends. It's too bad that I look at my freshman year of college this way, but I'm just excited to leave it behind and get going with this summer and with the rest of my life.

I know it's probably seen as immature, but I think instead of dwelling on everything that's plagued me this semester, I'm just going to drop everything, leave the burden behind, and start fresh. Right now, that seems like the only way.

Anyways, today has been probably the most relaxed of the whole lot this week. It's the first day I can remember in an incredibly long time where I had absolutely zero obligations, so I slept in and then got lunch, and watched Quarantine with Adam, which was surprisingly scary. Since then I've just been lounging about, and now I'm listening to the new Chariot album. I've been revisiting a lot of bands that were important to me when I was a little bit younger lately, like As Cities Burn, The Chariot, etc., and it's always such a strange experience to listen to a band and have them seem like they've changed so much, when at the end of the day it's really you that's changed. I feel like AFI is one of the only bands that will feel emotionally relevant to me at any and every point in my life. Last night the lab went bowling (surprisingly, incredibly fun), and afterwards I went out and got Indian food with Jon, Jordana, and Rebecca. We had some excellent conversations and got to know each other on a completely different level, which was kind of depressing considering the fact that I may never see Jordana again in my life. But, I'll be working with Jon and Rebecca again next year, which I'm happy about.

I planned on finding a way to see New Found Glory and Set Your Goals tonight, but it's most likely sold out and the people at the House of Blues box office were being dicks, so I decided to cut my losses there. If I did go I would have gone with Max and Eric and all of them, and yet it's now 8pm and none of them have called me. I wonder if they really count me as a friend, or if I'm just some kid who's good at guitar who's helping them get a band going. I don't know, hopefully I'll be able to hang out with them a lot this summer. Tomorrow I'm seeing Now, Now Every Children though, which I couldn't be more psyched for. I'm really in the mood for a good show.

Now the sun's making it's final descent outside. Another day, over.

Ten Days

Really?

Every night, I've been having these dreams. Every night, you force me to make the choice that I'm so scared I'll eventually have to make. I wake up and instinctually reach for my phone, just like I did for morning after morning before I went to sleep. For a few minutes, every day, it all comes back. And the truth is, I still don't know what to think. At this moment, from where I sit, none of it seems real.

Into the dark is where you're dragging me,
and into your dark is where I never want to be.
I know I'm not alone and I really want to leave.

When writing, Vladmir Nabokov was a complete perfectionist. A pained, anxious wreck, he would read a sentence that he wrote and then spend hours looking out the window or laying on his stomach on a dusty, wooden floor looking for the right word, searching through his brain and through the world around him. Like many writers before and after him, he would sometimes end stories abruptly, because he simply knew them to be done. His art had taken its course and he was wise enough to know that his involvement with it was done with, it was time for him to pass it on to others, back to the people and things that had inspired it. Circle of life.

Unlike many others, Nabokov saw art for what it really was. A reflection of what and who we are, the most selfish and plain and perfect form of consumption, introspection, and understanding. I hate what art has become. It's been infiltrated by self-serving minds that have torn down the very core of what made art pure and beautiful. Like most other human-made things that have been ruined, it needs its honesty back.

Stop

I think it's time that I should leave.

Paradox

Some of the most beautiful, intelligent, and wonderful people I've met in my life have also been the people I've known who have hated themselves, hated life, and been more depressed than other people I've known. I wish I could show people what I see in them, but I rarely find the ability or the opportunity to do this.

Contact

So, I'm writing this pretty randomly...I'm currently sitting in Adam's mother's living room in Boxford, Mass, hanging out with his dogs and his adorable bunny, whom I have not as yet been able to befriend. It seems kind of skiddish and just kind of noms on its cage and pushes its toys around with its big ol' bunny face. Last night, after not sleeping for ~36 hours, I went to sleep at like 9:30 and slept for about 14 hours, and then I woke up feeling a bit groggy and went to Chinatown with Elliott, Kristen, Claire, Tomas, and Samantha (the main reason I listed that out was to see if I could remember all of their names...ha) so that we could get some data and research for our final project. It was pretty fun, we mostly just hung out at the Asian Community Development Center and ate Chinese food, always a good time. In the afternoon I went to Church with my Aunt and Uncle, which was pleasant, and then returned and polished off my Easter candy while demoing out some of the songs I've written lately. I've been exceedingly prolific in the past couple of weeks, which is exciting because the happiest times in my life have been while I'm playing music or making music. Not that I'm not happy now, I'm actually awfully complacent right now, but it's nonetheless nice to feel good about where things are going.

Rut

I'm in a really weird funk right now, for some reason I just can't seem to have a normal day. It's always something.

Anyways, two things that brightened my day:



+ Gay marriage legalized in Vermont

Great news to wake up to

Iowa is now the next state that will be allowing equal marriage rights for for those of you who don't plan on sticking to the boring old "one man one woman" deal. Exciting! Effective in three weeks.

Also, despite my advocacy for equal marriage rights, I've recently come across a new movement (championed by mentor/boss/friend Jon Freeman) that eases the focus of the LGBT community on marriage. It's really interesting and deserves some attention: Beyond Marriage

Happy Friday!

Joanna Newsom

So, just a brief post to let you know that the lovely Joanna Newsom has finally emerged from a quiet year of not doing too much, debuting a few new songs this weekend, performing as "The Beatles's". If this is a sign that we'll be getting a new album out of her this year, then 2009 may just be my perfect year for music. Her 2006 album, Ys was easily my favorite record of 2006 (in close competition with tvotr's Return to Cookie Mountain), and I'll be expecting nothing less from her new material.

In depth descriptions via the awesome Naturalismo.

PS, I have absolutely no intention of making this a music blog, but it's also worthy to note that this week has already been a HUGE news week for music, so I'll probably update with a big post later about other things I'm buzzing with excitement about.

Leeds

So, once in awhile people pose silly questions like "What's your dream show?" Well, I just had my dream show figured out for me. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 2009 Leeds Festival. I'll probably be buying my ticket this weekend, and I have every intention of going, so if anyone would like to go, let me know. And no, this isn't a "omg lets go to englandddd" type of thing. This is like, yes, I'm really going, and let me know if you'd like to join me. I think I'm going to hole up with some friends of mine who are spending the summer bumming around Europe, and this weekend is going to be an incredible incredible time. Amazing bands, amazing country, hopefully good weather, and a whopping 1-8 drinking age. So, so excited for this summer.

This isn't really relevant to today but all, but just to let you all know: every Monday and Wednesday I have to go to my internship which is deep in the heart of Boston. For this, I have to wake up at 6:45 or so, usually after staying up until 2 or 3 the previous night getting work done, and when I hear the annoying alarm on my computer, like most days, I don't want to get up at all. The only thing keeping me from staying in bed all day is the view from the subway when it passes over the Charles river, between the Kendall and Charles/MGH stations. I used to look out across the water at the buildings full of people starting long days or ending long nights, and think about how amazing it was, full of wonder. Now I look out and see the tall buildings cast reflections in the water, kissed by the red light of the rising sun, and I think this is a new day. This is home.

Published

So, today was a pretty exciting day. I'm finally getting my job and housing situation fixed up for my summer in Boston, and I learned that the issue of the Ivy Journal of Ethics that my manuscript is being published in was finally released (click on the picture below and skip ahead to page 29). I'm not totally sure how deserving I am of this, but I'm nonetheless really happy and honored to get published, considering how young I am.



On another note, I have had an awesome first week back; luckily it's been a pretty easy week because my mind is still mostly on spring break. I went and saw The Cake Eaters, which was really good, and I've just overall been catching up on some sleep, catching up on pleasure reading, and enjoying myself. I won't give any names to protect the innocent, but I was totally exploding with empathetic joy the other day because a close friend of mine finally went out with this adorable girl that he's liked for some time. It put me in such a wonderful mood, I really enjoy seeing other people happy, and it put me in a much better mindset about pretty much everything. I had a really great break surrounded with great people and great friends, and I genuinely couldn't be happier now. Awesome week.

Oh, and tell me what you think about my article. The whole issue is replete with incredible work, so check it all out.

Skeletons of Skeletons

I've been concocting this plan,
equal parts illogical and elaborate.
It involves me traveling 1000 miles,
going to one of the places I hate the most,

And completing a series of impossible tasks

all for a chance to say hi to you

and to see what would happen.

Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love.

Crash Love

So, it's that time again: AFI is hard at work on their eighth full-length, and as usual are involving their fans pretty extensively in the process. They recently had this contest called Begin Transmission, where they allowed fans to record short videos and the winners were lucky enough to come do backup vocals on the new record. Also as usual, the buzz and buildup surrounding the new album has given rise to a familiar tingling and excitement in me and I'm sure in others. Waiting for a new album by a band that has been in your life for so long is an experience that is hard to describe, an almost unquantifiable sense of longing and just plain jittery excitement.



Similar to other areas of life, true lovers of music all have "that" band: the band they heard when they were young, the first band to open their eyes and hearts, to enter their minds and lives in a way that art never has before. Initially this first love is sloppy and exciting and ridiculous, inciting decisions to go vegan or dye your hair pink or change your religion, and at first it seems impossible to imagine parting with this feeling, to ever not be irrevocably in love with this band. As time goes on, things change, although not completely. Maturity kicks in, the idea of never parting with a love may start to seem short-thought and immature, you may even not listen to them for long periods at a time. Even during these periods, at times when you may not like a band as much on the outside, or when they might be making decisions that make you shake your head and wonder, one quick look at an old concert ticket or a picture or even a quick thought to how their art changed your life will offer that sharp nostalgia, a drop in your stomach and a smile that won't easily fade. Even at these moments when you feel so far from that part of your life, when you may claim to feel the same way about another band or when your thoughts and habits have completely changed, the unshakeable fact that they changed your life at one point can never be taken away from you. Cynics may look back at these youthful moments with disdain, only being able to see the mistakes and blunders pervading this portion of one's life, but remembering this kind of love will more than often always be able to open one's eyes and reignite the fire in their heart, triggering a longing that can either be shrugged off as unrealistic nostalgia, or accepted and cherised as that small part of everyone that refuses to grow up, in the best possible way.

Once in awhile, "this" band will re-enter your life, if you let it. More often than not, the ability to let this kind of love back in will come multiple times in someones life, if you're lucky. And if you let it back in, despite the changes and disappointments that may have occurred along the way, you'll realize that it never really left.

And never will.

So, I'm currently buzzing with excitement; I just got off the phone with the lab manager at Harvard's Moral Cognition Lab, where I'm pretty certain I've nailed a spot for this summer. I really can't fully convey how excited I am about this using 78 keys on a keyboard, without doing something really ridiculous. Like this: eofuqhw4[othergheiarughleiaurgh9ai5hiuk!

Anyways, aside from that one upper, I have a big chem test standing in the way of me and my spring break. This past weekend was amazing though; I had what may or may not have been the craziest Monday night of my life, and I blew off a sufficient amount of steam to focus for this last week before break. I get home really late on Friday night, and I basically plan on going to sleep and waking up on Sunday or Monday.

So, after falling asleep with the windows open and a cool breeze filling the room with fresh air after a balmy day, I awoke this morning to a snow-covered campus. Schizophrenic Boston weather, I'll tell ya what.


Soon the snow that's falling now
at midnight this first day of spring
will melt eventually and go.
The snow, the leaves-well, everything-
brings disappearance with it.

I suppose one day I'll go to bed
and not think of how your hips
and arms
and eyes are set.
They say it will happen soon.
I wait.
It hasn't happened yet.
- Susan Minot

Man, this afternoon and night was exactly what I needed. Cambridge never looked more beautiful, reopening old wounds, drinking coffee and looking at everything with open eyes and a peaceful mind. Despite the nagging in the back of my mind telling me that I was lying to myself, I've proven myself right. I AM happy now, in the most important way. Excellent weekend.

Untying ribbons on every tree I see

So, one of the most stressful and hectic weeks of my life has finally come to a close, and mostly I'm just glad that I survived. Friday night I celebrated by taking the comic book nerd side of myself out of it's little jar and let it take over, by fully geeking out about Watchmen. I was slightly bummed about the changed ending, but aside from that, it was incredible. It completely enfolded me for nearly three hours and made me forget about the world outside of the theater, and I was more than happy to spend some time letting my mind enter another world. Awesome awesome movie.
Yesterday was a really slow day, I did 12 dollars worth of laundry that I'm still folding and putting away, and got some work done. Adam busted into the room at 1am with a bottle of champagne in hand, ordering me to come with him to the cast party for the show they just finished putting on. I did as I was told, and ended up having a great night, although I didn't end up sleeping last night, since I had to be ready at 8am to have breakfast with my Aunt and Uncle. Overall, this was a good weekend. Bryce comes over later today, so I'm going to try to get the rest of my work done before chaos ensues. Looking forward to a less stressful week and then coming home.

I'll finish updating this later, but for now: I'm so, so tired of one-way friendships. Blaghhh

So, yesterday I was very pleased to have my extreme nerdy side explode with joy because of the date, 3/3/09! Bulgaria's Liberation Day? No silly, square root day! There hasn't been one of these since 2/2/04, and there won't be another one until 2016, so it's clear why these are a supreme cause for celebration. Before the turn of the millennium, there wasn't a square root day since 1981! Also, this particular day just compounds what is already a super-mathematical month (March is, of course, also home to pi day, 3/14). This pi day I'll be at home, so hopefully I'll find something exciting to do. During high school, pi day was always marked by a "pi-eating" contest, and a "recite as many digits of pi as you can" contest. I attempted to memorize as many as I could every year, but there was always that guy who could rocket off 300 digits at abnormally quick speeds. Oh well.
It's been a couple weeks since the last gratuitously geeky gala, which is more for the computer science nerds, a group which I definitely don't purport to be a valid member of. February 13th was 1234567890 day, which marked 1234567890 seconds in Unix time since the Coordinated Universal Clock started in 1970. Nice, right?
Anyways, because of my midterm schedule I wasn't able to partake in any of the traditional methods of celebration for square root day, but if you decided to make a boozeday tuesday out of your square root day (as I'm pretty sure a few kids were doing in the library last night), hopefully you took a shot or two in the honor of Euclid and Pythagoras.

In other news, you can sleep safely tonight knowing that you narrowly escaped death a few days ago. Doesn't that just make you feel warm and fuzzy? Not to mention the fact that NASA didn't notice it for two days. Interesting...

Anyways, today has it's own significance as well, but I'll spare you. I had a killer migraine last night that resulted in me going to sleep probably earlier than I have in two months (12:30), and I should be studying right now, but of course I'm not. So, I'm going to go do that. In the meantime, relish your nerdiness, cherish it, water it and keep it in the sun, and it'll pay off eventually.

Last night was the first night in a long time that I had a dream that I know that I'll always remember, and whether or not it comes true, it put me in the perfect mindset to face today and the next crazy week and a half before I get home.

Man, so I'm sorry about the gratuitous posting in the last 24 hours, but it's just hard not to be in a good mood on a snow day...in March!





Now, finally off to hopefully make some productive use of the day :)

Here's to snow days, no responsibilities today, and just being able to relax and drink tea and read in bed and not care. There are always ups and downs to any day though, and more than anything right now I'm just tired of being lied to. So many people have just been kind of telling me what they think I want to hear lately, and I'm just ready for some honesty.

All that being said, today is the perfect start to what's sure to be a stressful rest of the week.

Do I push it down?

I just have to keep reminding myself that there are ups and downs to everything, and even though right now is certainly a "down" time, things will get better. This next week is going to be ridiculous, but I have a good weekend ahead of me and then I'm essentially home free until spring break. I'm holding my breath, but I think I've already seen that a lot can happen in a little bit of time, so for the moment I'm just choosing to avert my gaze, remain fixed on one thing and finish out this last stretch of time before I go home.
This weekend has been pretty alright, but I really don't feel very much desire to just recapitulate everything here. I'm just tired in a very general sense.
But anyways, today I received two news stories that had really conflicting effects on my faith in society. The first, news that the Jonas Brothers 3-D Concert Experienced had tanked at the box office, instilled some much needed hope. Then of course, I saw this:



Aren't we supposed to be done hearing about police brutality? Sure, I saw this when I was already in a bad mood, but it was completely disgusting to me. I don't really know what to say, about anything. Just kind of speechless.

Glad to see you've gotten the desired effects

I survived this week! As small of an accomplishment that may be in the grand scheme of things, I'm incredibly proud of myself for making it through this week. Exactly two weeks until Spring Break, and once I get back from Spring Break I have no idea when I'll be back home, and I'm not-so-secretly loving the uncertainty of it.
This coming week marks the last of the ridiculous midterm stress that I've been facing lately, and then I'll have a week to more-or-less relax until break. Everything has seemed so dramatic over the last week and a half or so; every decision I made or step I took seemed like it was huge and earth-shattering, but for now I'm leaving that behind and living day by day.
I've been really enjoying the walks I've been taking in the park behind the Davis stop, I've been seeing a lot of super random interesting people and just enjoying the time alone to think. Without that sanity check every couple of days or so, I seriously would have broken down this week. But, I haven't, and here I am. Things aren't getting any easier, but they are kind of getting more realistic. Lent started on Wednesday, and despite my own current religious incertitude right now, I'm finding that this is the perfect time to reflect and pick things up.

In other news, I was under the impression that all of my friends were going out of town this weekend, so after I got out of the lab at about 7, I went out and grabbed some sushi and saw a movie by myself, only to come back and find that everyone was still here, and everyone's leaving tomorrow. Bummer, but oh well. Quiet Friday nights have been the usual lately, but hopefully the rest of this weekend will be good.

True and sincere acts of kindness will never cease to be able to make my day.

So, this afternoon I had to fall completely flat on my face in order to pick myself back up, and I took an incredibly deep breath of fresh air afterwards. I feel like I'm finally on the road to closure, but more than anything I just want peace of mind and heart. The next six months of my life have the potential to be either the best or the worst, and I'm beginning to realize what I'll have to do to make them the best. And I think I'm ready.

Things have started to seem really weird the past few days. I go to sleep and wake up not really having a full recollection of what I did the previous day; it’s like I’m completely going through the motions and going from place to place, not really taking root or forming memories as I pass. Work has been getting better and school has been enough to occupy my mind, but every day I spill my thoughts to a friend or to my journal, and after that it’s as if I have nothing left. I seek and usually find solace in words and occurrences long past, finding hope in little nuances of days that I’ll never get back. Thankfully, although emotionally I’m a blank slate and physically I’m exhausted, I’ve managed to quiet my mind and regain my trust in the future, instead of constantly thinking that the future is going to turn its back on me if I don’t plan immediately for it right this moment.

However, like all periods of growth in my life, this one has been overshadowed by more than one dark addition to my plate. I’ve recently become really scared for sophomore year, and my emotional state of affairs with everyone here. If you leave, I feel like I’ll have nothing, and I’ll be alone in every possible sense. I’ve been enjoying a lot of my time spent alone lately, but I just get scared when I realize how fragile everything I have right now is. It’s very frustrating in a way, because it seems like I can’t really make any decision without it affecting numerous people around me. Although, I guess that’s just another thing that I’ll have to let go of.

I’m looking forward to being home for a week and seeing how things have and haven’t changed. The two and a half weeks I have between now and spring break are going to be incredibly ridiculous and busy, but I hope that it’ll be worth it when I get to have some rest soon. In the meantime, I’m just making it through each day, finally seeing my first glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel.

Don't Forget about North Dakota just yet...

Because they just became the first state to pass a no-holds-barred ban on abortion. Being a fencerider on the abortion topic, I'm not sure how I feel about this, but since North Dakota has a decent statistical history of teenage pregnancy and sex, I'll be interested to see what happens to these numbers in the future.

So, I'll admit fully, I'm currently feeling mostly better, but I decided to continue malingering and I'm not going to work today. I had a pretty interesting day yesterday; a couple of my classes were cancelled so I had most of the day to myself, I took the chance to go into Harvard to buy new Thursday, which hasn't disappointed me in the least, although I think it might take a little getting used to. It was a really great feeling, waiting in line to buy a new album. It's something I haven't really done since decemberunderground came out almost three years ago.
On my way back, a random homeless man told me I looked down and to keep my head up. Kind of taken by this, I bought him a cup of coffee and had him tell me, completely unsolicited, that everything would be okay, just to imagine the best possible ending to whatever I'm going through and do my best to get myself there. I'm not sure whether the best possible ending is in fact "possible," but thanks for the advice anyway, whoever you are.

In the meantime, I found myself completely disgusted by the news this morning. Apparently the conservative right now thinks that sex, gender, and queer studies aren't legitimate sociological topics, and that having students learn about the sociopolicial implications of new movements in human sexuality and gender is a waste of money. The story was extremely poorly done, because they skewed the fact that these professors perform research in the areas of oral sex and male prostitution to say that they teach instructional courses on these topics, which is obviously not true. It's yet to be seen if this is going to cause very much of a stir; as far as I know, none of the prominent gender theorists have responded to it. But anyways:

A Weekend In The City

So, I thought I'd begin by cataloging my weekend in New York. It started out interestingly enough; I was sick with the flu for the latter half of the week (still sick, mostly), so I was pretty stressed from missing class and work when I went to the airport; I must have looked okay though, because about 5 minutes after I stood in like 3 girls ran up to me and exclaimed how much they love me, that I'm amazing and that they love my work and want my autograph. Kind of in shock, I just told them that I wasn't who they thought I was and that I was sorry, and they embarrassedly ran off. It ends up that my mom's flight got super delayed, so when I got to New York I took a cab by myself to the hotel, which put me in an interesting mood for the night. Anything annual really interests me; things that happen every year allow oneself to apply a marker to one's life and see how things have changed in a certain period of time. During the 40-minute cab ride I remembered every cab ride I've taken from La Guardia to the city every year when I go, from 3 years ago when I had From A Second Story Window playing in my iPod and my mind racing because of problems with my band, to this year, when I was appropriately by myself, looking at the lights and thinking about time.
Around this time, my mom called me again to tell me that her flight might be cancelled. Before I had the chance to think about the implications of being alone in New York City on a Friday night, she called back and let me know that her flight was boarding and that she'd meet me at the hotel in a couple of hours. So, I got some M&M's and relaxed in the room for a few hours, and then we had sushi and I spent most of the night up late reading a subject-specific journal I've been keeping for the last six months or so, still in a weird nostalgic kind of mood.
At any rate, Valentine's Day in New York City was cool, all things considered. You can head on to my facebook if you'd like to see unflattering pictures of me hugging people in panda and Elmo suits. My mom and I saw August: Osage County, which is to date the best play I have ever seen, and I stayed up late again.
The next day I slept in, feeling as sick as ever, and we saw Billy Elliott, which didn't live up to it's hype, and ended up wandering around Chelsea and West Village all evening long, eating at this awesome place called The Spotted Pig which seemed to be full of really important-looking people. I found this great used book store and bought a few things, including a book of Susan Minot's poetry which has been keeping me company the last few nights, it's really really incredible.
As for yesterday, it was in one way or another the worst day I've had in the last 600 or so, but a day that nonetheless I think needed to happen. I'm sorry it needed to happen and it's been replaying in my mind ever since, but mostly I just hope I'm not being overly optimistic about the future. I found out a lot about myself in the brief process, and for now I'm working from there.


I wish I were in the cold with you
in your old dirty house
with your worried eyes and blue
shirt. I wish you knew
the underneath of me,
how I keep track of everything
and try to let everything go.
I wish we'd won that game of Russian roulette
we played that week in the mountains-
or lost,
you would say,
and suffered the happy fate
of other fools who take a risk
and somehow get their way.
- Susan Minot

So, my prophecies were correct: I've been spending most of the day so far drowning in multiple hoodies and blankets and eating oranges and watching Fight Club.
The whole sitting in my room/being completely sedentary thing has set my mind surprisingly at ease, and I'm for once able to look forward to New York and to next week, which should doubtlessly be less stressful than this one.
In the meantime, I came across a great new band, Spiritual Mansions, who are releasing their album "Touched" on Minneapolis label Afternoon Records, the fellow home of my recent obsessions Now, Now Every Children.
I first came across them on a sampler, and I just kind of got the My Morning Jacket vibe and shrugged them off, but upon more listens I've come to really like them, and I'm sure they'll be keeping me company all afternoon. If you want to learn about more music like this, you should check out this pretty awesome blog, Minneapolis Fucking Rocks, which basically documents all of the awesome stuff going on in Minneapolis, which is quickly forming an incredible independent music scene.

Length Away

Sooooo, it's Thursday, I'm so sick I'm seeing double and getting the shivers, and I have a lot of work to do. Gah! I'm probably going to watch a movie and eat leftover cake and feel sorry for myself for awhile, and then spend the evening doing work.
This week has really tested my limits, on so many levels. Until last night, I had gotten about 11 hours of sleep since Saturday, which was a huge screw thrown into my well-oiled machine of six-ish hours of sleep every night for the past month. I've been all panicky and fidgety, freaking out about one thing or another. For now, I'm just bracing myself for the coming couple of days, looking forward to catching up on work, hopefully having a good Saturday and Sunday in New York, and having everything be as close to normal as soon as possible.

Useless

Today was the worst Sunday I've had in awhile. I woke up late with a horrible headache and felt sick for the entire day, mostly incapable of eating. I wasted the vast majority of my day; my head hurt too badly for me to concentrate on reading so I picked at leftovers and watched The House Bunny, which despite having a startingly good soundtrack was a pure waste of two hours of my life, except for a few choice parts that had me laughing obnoxiously loud.
Halfway through the day, my mind had other things to worry about and I ended up getting absolutely nothing done. About an hour ago I realized I had effectively fasted all day today, so I ordered some pasta from Lily's and got completely ripped off, and now I'm sitting in my room, realizing that in seven hours I have to wake up to go to work, and I might as well not lived today.
I'm feeling more apathetic, spiteful, and overall hopeless than I have in awhile. I'm astounded by the immaturity of people I thought I respected. I feel, in very many ways, like I'm repeating parts of middle school again. I just want everything to be normal and amazing again, in every way.

Lazy Saturday

I love the carelessness of Saturday afternoons. You're still riding the high of the week's end, thinking about your Friday night, not yet reclaimed by the irreverent demon of stress and responsibility.
Although this feeling won't last too long for me, I'm enjoying this morning. Last night was fairly intense, I sat down in the library after lunch and wrote a new article I'm working on from 3PM to midnight, then went back to my room and edited and ate junk food to my content, finally slipping away into sleep at around 3. Regardless of the fact that I felt really lonely and kind of like a loser during the entirety of this endeavor, I felt really accomplished and awesome, and I've spent the morning fantasizing about writing more awesome papers and becoming really important.
As for now, the feeling has slipped away and I have to answer to the pile of reading I have for this weekend.
For the time being though, I think I'll have nothing to do with it, and instead leave you with this interesting tidbit (well, ten page tidbit I guess).
UChicago evolutionary biologist Jerry Coyne is creating quite a stir as usual, attracting the attention of some notable names, particularly Steven Pinker and Daniel Dennett. His article discusses some of the main arguments of theists (mostly theist scientists) for the eternal reconciliation of religion and science. The reviews and responses are pretty amusing.
This is an issue that has troubled me for most of my life, and I agree with Coyne: attempts to reconcile science and religion are mostly a waste of time. There are two reasons for this, both based in the plural nature of human life: no two people have consistent definitions and ideas of God, creation, and/or evolution, and additionally simply because people are just plain stubborn about this topic. One issue that I think is resolvable is the tendency of both communities (scientific and religious) to posit that "evolution" in and of itself and creationism are opposites, that it's one or the other. Evolution is not a theory by which moral reasoning can be justified; rather, it is completely disconnected from any questions of moral and ethical consideration. Creationism, can however, from its basest implications be used as a tool with which to deal with issues of morality if you choose. As Pinker put it, the most important consideration for both communities to use and realize is not mutually exclusive is reason and the responsible use thereof.

I don't know. HERE's the article. I had my turn to rant, let me know what you think.

Now, it's time for homework. In other news, Adam's 19th birthday is coming up, and tonight we're having a few people over, our first attempt at any kind of get-together in our room, so I'll be looking forward to see how this goes.

Today was an unusually busy day, and had its fair share of awkward moments. I slept in until 8 and somehow managed to get on the Joey and get to Newton fast enough to only be 15 minutes late for work. I expected this to be a big deal, but alas, I overestimate my own importance, for nobody noticed at all.
Today at my super-important internship, I stacked some boxes and then finished my reading for two classes. I really wish I was doing more exciting things during the day there; I'd probably be more impelled to enthusiastically jump out of bed on time and rush off to Boston.
Anyways, after drinking 4-5 cups of coffee during the workday, I realized the moment that I stepped on the T that I had to pee worse than I ever have in my life. This situation was worsened by my need to get home fast enough to make it to Computer Science on time, and thus I had to suffer silently for nearly two hours of waiting, riding various forms of public transportation, walking and standing. I'd liken it to having to cheerfully stand around while particularly sadistic animals gnawed at your ankles. It was ridiculous. I finally got to Davis Square only to find that the bathroom at the subway station had blood on the door and caution tape barring my entrance, which was a great new development. So, I rushed into Mr. Crepe and desperately asked the guy behind the counter to give me the key to the guy's bathroom; he did, and I immediately fell in love with him. After breathing the biggest sigh of relief of my life, I bought a vitamin water because I felt bad for just coming in to use the bathroom.
Following this adventure, I had to sit through 3 hours of Computer Science followed by Philosophy. I really tend to dislike everyone in my philosophy class, they all strike me as really quirky pre-law people with thoroughly aggrandized views of their own intelligence/importance. The only exceptions to this real are Bright Eyed Boy With Fro, who seems extremely excited 100% of the time, and Mysterious Spanish Girl, who always asks really cool questions.

At any rate, now that I'm done making my day seem more interesting than it really was, I'm going to do homework until I start hallucinating from lack of sleep.

Feeling envy for the kid who'll dance despite anything

So it seems about the right time for me to make another post. I've been writing in my personal journal a lot more lately, which I've found to be really helpful and almost cathartic. The last few weeks haven't been the easiest in my life, but I feel like in the process of going through so much emotional distress I've done a lot of rapid growing up. At the end of the day I'm still an ultra-awkward procrastinating college student, but I've been adding a lot of responsibilities to my plate and dealing with everything in stride, and I'm quite proud of myself. I've been making immediate plans for the future, but I feel like they're a lot more mature, less overly idealistic. I feel like the next year of my life has the potential to be liberating and refreshing, a new chapter. I'm just quite excited about everything.
This Friday there was an opportunity to go out to dinner with Dr. Lewis and various Boston-residing Cape Henry alums, but there's a Chemistry review session during that time period so I decided not to go. Normally in a situation like this I just wouldn't go to the review session, but I have to admit that I was hesitant and wary of going out to dinner with all of these people, feeling like it would be awkward seeing them, that they'd be judging my every move or something. Like so many of the things I overanalyze, it was really pretty stupid of me to think. At any rate, I'm going to the Chemistry review session, ha.

In other news, it didn't take long for a clever soul to make a viral YouTube video out of Christian Bale's "fuck"-filled tirade. I'm impressed.

Dear Your Name Here,

Look in the mirror.

I will turn you away as easily as I turned you into me.

Today I woke up and looked out my window, blinded by a blanket of white. The new snow is covering up all of the indentations in the ice from feet scurrying about, so that for at least a few minutes, everything will be fresh. Virgin. New.
For a moment, I'm completely content. I'm amazed by this fact, that nature has its own way of setting things right, making things normal. For a moment I forget the 200 pages of reading I have to do this weekend or the weird ache in my left arm. I forget about the hole in my chest and the things I want to change about myself, and I'm just happy. I've been living the past few days for these moments, when I can just forget everything
and get lost in the enormity of the moment. Maybe eventually the happiness from moments like this will bleed into the rest of my day.
I saw Synecdoche, NY last night with some amazing friends, and it got me thinking a lot about my motivations for changing things in my own life. Someday, I'm going to die, and I may not have a legacy, I may not have important work to make me immortal. I just want to have a pleasant journey and do something very important that I can share with myself and others. Maybe I should stop staring at the snow and focus on picking myself up and living my life.